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Dog Saliva

Posted by on July 10, 2016

When it comes to dating, I’m often accused of being too picky. Not true. At my age, I can just tell after one or two dates that a guy isn’t worth pursuing. I know I’m not going to radically change anyone even though every potential guy is a fixer upper. My usual deal breakers are men who are either too boring or too controlling. God help him if he’s both.

So, the latest Mr. Right was handsome enough, in shape enough, intelligent enough, charismatic enough, witty enough…OK enough already. What was the stopper with this guy?

Dog saliva.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a dog person too, but I agree with that one movie that says it’s OK to love your pet, just don’t LOVE your pet. Granted, I’ve only had pet peeves since my childhood dog died when I was a young adult. Even so, I never let Sandy lick me all over my face. I wasn’t even the borderline germaphobe I am today. I just can’t imagine having my face covered with dog saliva.

A dog’s mouth is cleaner than a human’s mouth, so they say. “They” being men because I’ve only heard guys reciting that myth. And yes, it is a myth. A dog’s mouth teems with bacteria just like a human’s mouth does, but humans have a different mix of bacteria, some of which cause cavities. So, some guys think because dogs don’t have the tooth-decay-causing bacteria, they can dismiss all the other bacterial strains found in dog saliva.

But I didn’t want to just give up on this guy, especially when there was an easy solution. Wet wipes! Whenever we get together, I’d just whip out a wet wipe, clean an area, by which I mean from one ear across his cheek, mouth, swipe down his neck, up the other cheek to the other ear in one clean sweep. And then I’d kiss him. I’m all about compromise. I know I’m not going to come between a Southern man and his dogs. And truth be told, I really liked his dogs. I just don’t need to ingest their dog saliva.

And wouldn’t you know it, just as soon as I started carrying a pack of wet wipes in my purse, I haven’t gone out with him again. (It feels like the same phenomenon of when I carry an umbrella and it doesn’t rain.) I think he concluded I wasn’t attracted to him at the end of our second date when I gave him a hug instead of a kiss, but I didn’t have any wet wipes at the time.

Now you have to understand, not only did he bring his dogs along, but I witnessed one of them enthusiastically licking the back of his bald head as he drove while telling me how, when he’s lying on the sofa, she’ll lick his entire face until she’s exhausted. He was so delighted by that story while I secretly thought, “Don’t you want a female of your own species to do that?” Then I thought, “Eww, the other times when I kissed you, your face had probably been covered with dried dog saliva.”

Look on the bright side, one of my girlfriends told me. He probably has a really good immune system. According to probiotic theory, everyone needs a good mix of bacteria in order to be healthy, especially for digestive needs. I feel I already get an eclectic mix of bacteria. After all, I go to bikram yoga four times a week where an orgiastic petri dish of bacteria helps keep my exposure to healthy bacteria in check. So, I honestly don’t think I’d get much probiotic benefit from an exposure to dog saliva.

The good things are, thanks to my hormones, I’ll keep dating and kissing men and thanks to my immune system, I’ll have defense against most bacteria. And now in addition to asking a guy about what he does for a living, whether he has kids and so on, I’m adding a question about pets just so there will be no kisses involving dog saliva.

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