Fellatio. Sounds like an Italian Shakespearean character, doesn’t it? I’m sure the Bard could write a five-act tragedy with Fellatio as the protagonist. And the antagonist? Men! The well-kept secret is that most women actually don’t mind oral sex EXCEPT for when men make it such unpalatable thing to do.
In preparation of writing this essay, I surveyed some friends during a ladies’ night out. The group of unscientifically chosen participants consisted of single, college-educated women who all train capoeira, a Brazilian martial arts. Some were currently in long-term relationships, some were mothers and at least four different ethnicities were represented. Collectively, we came up with twenty-eight fellatio turn offs, which I conveniently grouped into six different categories: health considerations, timing, attitude, atmosphere, eye appeal and entertainment factor.
Starting with what should be the most obvious; we all agreed that men whose health status we did not know were not going to receive fellatio—at least without a condom. And a man announcing, “I’m clean!” does not count as a valid test screening. We also agreed that smelliness was a huge turnoff. If it stinks, it’s dirty. As one woman stated, “Anything I can get sick from, I’m not gonna do!” After all, if men want their sex organ orally pleasured, it should not smell like a toilet. Some of us suggested that in addition to a man cleaning his penis, he should spread chocolate syrup or honey on it, but not all women agreed.
Another health consideration one woman mentioned was that fellatio potentially flared up TMJ.
Asking a woman “Can I come in your mouth?” or “Do you spit or swallow?” in the first conversation that he has with her is very bad timing. While those are excellent questions to ask once she’s already in the mood and has consented to have sex, a man will come across as an absolute asshole to ask such questions before a sexy mood has been established.
Another popular timing issue is when the man takes too long to finish. As one woman pointed out, “It’s called foreplay, not THE play.
As with most things, attitude is very important. Any man who comes across as pushy or selfish is not helping his cause. A woman doesn’t want to feel obligated. Instead, she should have the feeling of “why the hell not?”
Once women decide to do the deed, the worse attitude men can adopt is calling them bad names for doing it. What kind of encouragement is that? Men have to move beyond the Madonna/slut complex that stymies them from maturing into fully realized sexual beings. No woman wants to be demonized for knowing how to sexually satisfy a man. So, if you’re one of those men who use derogatory sexual language against women just realize that you’re actually sending the message to all women, “Don’t blow this bro’.”
When a man finally puts his desire where her mouth is, he shouldn’t jeopardize future fellatio by giving too much instruction, too little instruction, unwanted thrusting or expecting a woman to reenact some unrealistic porn trick. And to all you men who think oral sex is a one way street: remember, you gotta give some to get some!
Another consideration is the conditions under which the deed will be done. Regardless of whichever act of sexual acrobatics one feels like engaging in, the setting has to be right—again, not porn fantasy ideal, but doable.
There cannot be any weird energy between the man and the woman. A man will have a much more enjoyable, sexual good time if he does his homework and establishes good foreplay rapport. As unimaginative as it sounds, clear communication goes a long way in both time and energy. After all, there’re nearly 7 billion people in the world. Surely, there’s a woman who wants to satisfy you. Why waste time with the ones who don’t. And if you’re having trouble finding that one, a little introspection and self-analysis may just help with your pursuit of oral sex happiness.
A sexually smart man who establishes a good rapport first will also avoid the passive-aggressive woman who feels annoyed at giving head and does the classic tooth rake.
Lastly, distractions such as phones, kids and pets should be minimized.
Most women know within 3 seconds if they’re sexually attracted to a man. So don’t turn her off when you drop your drawers. Every real estate agent knows the importance of “front door appeal” and so should you. As one woman who I surveyed said, “If you expect me to visit your house and play in your yard, make it look presentable.” Now, no one’s suggesting that men start getting a Brazilian wax, but an unkempt forest is not most women’s idea of a sexual playground.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing a man can do if the woman evokes the Goldilocks Principle. All of us women agreed that we didn’t like penises that were too big or too skinny. It’s gotta be just right. On the up side, size is a relative thing; so you gotta find the woman who believes you’re the perfect size for her.
Another consideration is to make it fun for the woman since many women don’t find fellatio very entertaining after a while, especially if a guy disrespects her gag reflex or tries to put too much in her mouth. Remember, unless a woman is especially trained, her vagina’s probably the best place to accommodate you entirely, depending upon your size.
For some women, the entertainment factor lies in the fact that the guy’s a new boyfriend. These women are motivated to win their new boyfriend over.
The Up Side
Now, my unscientific research did reach a happy ending. One of the participants realized that we’d been talking for hours about the bad side of BJ and admitted that things weren’t ALL bad. There are some entertaining aspects about fellatio such as it goes well with showering together. Some women desire doing it during ovulation. It’s more fun for the woman when she ambushes the guy, especially at time when sex isn’t allowed. At times, it’s a power kick for the woman or a good substitute when menstruating or in post pregnancy. When on vacation, it’s part of hotel sex. Or for more practical reasons like getting lubed up for some more adventurous sexual performance. Other times, fellatio is a good way for the woman to build credit for the near future and not just a sexual favor in return, but for getting the guy to complete some other boyfriend duty. And lastly, we women just want to do it for the hell of it. So guys, try not to blow it.