I’d known for years that I needed to get a colonoscopy. Even when I learned that Black people should get the procedure done at age 45, I still made excuses. Finally, when the good insurance kicked in with the new job, I started the routine check up circus–the so-called managed health care in the US. This procedure was the last in a round of crap that needed to be done. How opportune, I used the word “crap,” a lot of preparation is made to get the crap out.
I’d either heard or imagined so much about the special diet one needed to follow prior to getting a colonoscopy that I was pleasantly surprised what all I could eat. As a matter of fact, five days prior to the procedure, all I had to do was stop taking my multivitamin. From there, things slowly became more restrictive. At the same time, since I’d written out a loose menu plan for the remaining four days, I looked forward to the novelty of the foods: homemade muffin with bananas; greek yogurt with two sliced bananas and generous amount of honey; a rotisserie chicken sandwich with toasted white bread, sliced avocado and baked potato chips; canned tuna with fresh squeezed lime juice, sliced avocados and baked chips; canned salmon with fresh squeezed lime juice, sliced avocados and baked chips; half of rotisserie chicken with baked chips; lemon and pineapple mixed jello, gatorade, strawberry/lime fruit popsicles and mango fruit popsicles.
The worst day was prior to the procedure where I could only eat jello, clear liquids except alcohol, and in the early afternoon, start the most distinctive part of the colon prep. I finally opened the bag of joy I’d picked up from the pharmacy the previous week. I saw the infamous GoLytley that I had to mix and drink four liters of, but I couldn’t find the laxatives, which I had to take an hour prior to pounding the colon cleanse fluid. I took the whole bundle back to the pharmacy.
This time, the on-duty pharmacist explained that the OTC ticket meant I had to pick the laxatives off the shelf. I’m glad she escorted me to the area because she had trouble finding the laxatives herself. Thank goodness it turned out to be less than $2. I work for a pharmacy. I know how much certain medications can cost although OTC tend to be cheaper.
I’d heard so many horror stories about GoLytely. With the lemon flavoring, it wasn’t that bad. I downed about 16 oz every 15 minutes until I’d consumed the entire four liters. It had begun to kick in halfway through while I was still putting the final postproduction touches on my latest Strange Family Folklore podcast episode. I had completed the voiceovers in the morning; so, all I had to do in between quaffing colon cleanse and running to the bathroom, was arrange the audio tracks.
I published the episode about 30 minutes before virtual book club began. The camera remained off during the meeting because I didn’t want them to know that I periodically got up and used the bathroom. I finished drinking the cleanse 15 minutes into the meeting. Fortunately, my wireless headset allowed muting by raising the mic up and then lowering it to speak. A few times, I spoke while on the toilet in between goes and flushes.
One thing that concerned me initially was that my liquid bowel movements had never turned clear. Instead it was a bright yellow or “the color of Mountain Dew” as a nurse later described it. My trips to the bathroom became a competition between my bladder and colon to see which could empty its liquid contents first. The big winner? Dry panties!
I never felt hungry, which was partly due to taking my regular CBD powder, which doubles as an appetite suppressant. One of my friends, who’s much smaller than me, stated that when she prepped for her colonoscopy, she’d lost 5 lbs. I was curious to see how full of shit I was. Hmm, only 3 lbs. So, my friend was full of more shit than me, at least by that measurement!
The morning of the appointment, my friend, who I refer to as “my third mom,” promptly picked me up and drove me to the surgery center, which was almost a good long walk away. The dehydration kicked in as I read over a ton of paperwork. Once again, I thought about how difficult this whole thing would have been if I were functionally literate. As I filled out the forms, a cute baby entered in the arms of his mother. When a nurse escorted me to the prep room, I overheard another nurse gushing over the baby. I said, “Yes, that baby’s so beautiful, you know he probably has COVID.” They all laughed. I told them that was just the devil in me coming out. Another nurse told me that I’d made their day.
Truth be told, I was happy socializing with other people. I didn’t give a damn that it was the surgical center staff. They were still human beings. At times like those, I felt sanity returning.
As I undressed, I nearly forgot to take my panties off, which was the whole point of getting undressed in the first place. No matter how many times I have done it, tying that hospital gown in the back is always uncomfortable. Tying it in the front merely feels like another ill-fitting dress. Tying it in the back feels like I should get paid.
Once that was done and I’d hopped in the bed, the prep nurse worried me a little, commenting about how small my veins were. She said she’d have to “explore around” to find a vein. I screamed in my head, “How about NOT doing that?” She tied off my arm to make the veins bigger. Initially, she examined my left arm since that one was easier to access, but then she looked at my right arm and noticed that the veins were slightly bigger on my dominant arm. She got it on the first try and commented how I was a gusher. At least I didn’t need an additional jab. She set up the saline drip and put the oxygen tube in my nostrils, over the glasses, but under the mask.
At that point, my friend was allowed to join me. I thought the wait would only be about 30 mins, but it lasted much longer. During that time, the anesthesiologist introduced himself. I asked him if I’d barely be under so I could watch the monitor since one of my sisters had stated that was her favorite part of the procedure. Even with a mask on, the smirk shone in his eyes. He assured me that I wouldn’t be awake enough to watch the monitor. After he left, I asked my friend if he seemed a little too young. She told me that if I thought that, I was old.
In the operating room, I joked with the OR nurses about how I almost forgot to take off my panties, which they agreed would have defeated the purpose. I also shared with the them that at least this procedure wouldn’t be painful like my breast biopsy. I added that we all needed to encourage more women to go into engineering because all these painful medical machines were mostly likely designed by men. The way I said it, made them all laugh, but nod in agreement. I said, “If you think I’m funny now, just imagine me with a few drinks.”
Next thing I know, I woke up in the recovery room. I felt refreshingly awake as if from a good nap. I was ready to socialize. The nurse who attended to me was all business. She brought me a small cranberry juice and a snack-sized Cheez-its. When she handed me my bag of clothes and shoes, she told me to get dressed but to remain in the bed with the guard rails up. That worked for everything except my jeans. I stood up on the bed to put them on. Around that time, she asked if I was dressed. Since I was buckling my belt, I said “Yes.” When she pulled back the curtain, she was shocked to see me standing on the bed. I assured her that I did yoga on a regular basis and felt perfectly balanced and not dizzy. She said I should have asked for the guard rails to be lowered, so I could do that while standing on the floor. She reported to my friend that I was “wasted.” Not hardly. I simply did the logical thing, given her directives and my particular set of skills.
As my friend drove us home, I talked the whole time, telling her she’d have to help me polish off the jello. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had jello without alcohol in it. I ladled out the jello into two bowls and topped them with fresh bananas, blueberries and strawberries.
Additionally, I brought out a selection of cut cheeses, a roll of mozzarella wrapped in prosciutto and crackers. Instead of our usual happy hour bottle of red, I served lime-flavored sparkling water. Not really my thing, but my friend likes sparkling water, along with most of the world, apparently.
After cleaning up lunch, I called Mom and told her that I felt great after the procedure. Plus, the doctor had only found one polyp. My friend chimed in that it was a small one. I appreciated the positivity all around. Of course, now I pray for it to be benign, not just for being cancer-free, but so I wouldn’t have to have another procedure until a decade from now.
Then I called one of my sisters who thinks she’s my mother AKA “second mom.” We had a good conversation, but then I handed the phone off to my friend because she had questions for my sister. Second mom and third mom talked much longer to one another than I had to my own mother or sister! Nonetheless, I’m glad they had an opportunity to reconnect. They’d hit it off the last time my sister had visited.
Since I’d taken the following day of as well, I took full advantage of what was essentially a 4-day weekend. Another friend hosted and led a full moon yoga class in her back yard. Normally, when people go under sedation, they say one shouldn’t drive, operate heavy equipment nor make major life decisions. Yet, I was a little hard-headed precisely because I felt clearheaded.
Thanks to the Saharan dust, the moon appeared hazy, but everything else about the evening was divine. The temperature dropped to a very comfortable latent heat, the humidity wasn’t oppressive and since I’d lathered myself in Skin So Soft, the mosquitoes were held at bay.
Afterwards, I enjoyed talking with the other participants, completing a day full of socializing with other people, starting with the medical staff. That was just as therapeutic as getting a colonoscopy and doing yoga. I didn’t indulge in a glass of rosé with the other yogis. That was my one post procedure concession.
The next day, I slept in, ate breakfast and then took my car to the shop to be serviced. All in all, it was a day of running errands, which in itself triggered the desire, once again, to have a 4-day work week. I’ll just put that out into the universe for now.
