This impromptu research all started because one of my cousin’s sent me a picture of her Bloody Mary; so I had to go to the same restaurant and see for myself.  Sure enough, their standards were consistent. Every Bloody Mary came decked out with a full strip of crisp bacon and a skewer of cheddar cheese, a jalapeño, and a green olive.

For fun, I went to a professional happy hour and ordered a Bloody Mary. I showed the bartender the decked out Bloody Mary with the bacon and other adornments and asked if he could make one as good as that.  He shook his head and said that he could make one, but it wouldn’t come with bacon. Then, he deferred to another bartender, who got the senior-most bartender, who actually made the drink. It originally came with a pickle, a jalapeño, and a green olive. The first bartender who’d waited on me had visited the kitchen, cubed some cheese and added it to the drink. Not bad for going the extra mile (for them) to satisfy the customer. The effort was reflected in my tip.

By the time I approached the third place a few weeks later, I informed the bartender that I was conducting research to find which place served the best Bloody Mary and showed him the picture. Again, bacon was off the table, but I think he tripled up the green olives and doubled the lemon wedges so his version would’t look so “naked.” After this, I’d heard of a restaurant that had a Bloody Mary bar buffet on the weekends from 11-4.

I arrived at 10:45, thinking that I could take pictures of the Bloody Mary buffet before other customers could mess anything up. Yet the buffet was already open and a guy was embellishing his cup of vodka. I greeted him and told him that I was there to take pictures of the Bloody Mary bar. I didn’t want him to be alarmed at my picture taking.  He joked about being used to women taking his picture. After about 5 minutes of maneuvering around him, I politely let him know that I wanted my pictures without him in the shot! So the Bloody Mary buffet consists of various pickled veggies and pepperoni, four different mixes, celery, salts and hot sauces.

With so many choices of practically everything, I figured the rookie mistake would be to put too much stuff in the cup and ruin it.

Yet the one thing I did not find, but ordered to go on the side was sliced avocado. After all, my palate sought things that would go with spicy tomato juice.

My waitress recommended the house Bloody Mary mix. 

Technically, if one uses clamato, then it’s a Bloody Cesar.

And if one uses tequila instead of vodka, it’s a Bloody Maria.

As promised in my mass email to friends about this Bloody Mary research, I’d cut up straws in order to make hygienic samples of other people’s drinks.

I set some of the straws in a cup for convenience. Plus, as a former secondary teacher, I thought it would be prudent not to have the whole stash out all at once.

I also went with the waitress-recommended choice of alcohol: F-ing cucumber vodka. Not the flavor of vodka I’d drink straight, but it definitely worked as a Bloody Mary base.

Here’s the first version of my Bloody Mary: F-ing cucumber vodka, no salt, Freddie’s Bloody Mary Mix, dashes of Cholula and worcestershire sauce, pepperoni, green olives, cherry peppers, banana peppers, avocado. This was absolutely the best Bloody Mary–of course since I made it exactly the way I wanted it. 

I could hardly wait for my burger to eat it along with my drink.  

I plopped the dill pickle into the Bloody Mary. By the time I got my cell phone camera ready, the pickle had dunked itself into Bloody Mary awesomeness. I propped it back up to pose for a good picture.

The first friend showed up and made her Bloody Mary: F-ing cucumber vodka with salt, pepperoni, Freddie’s Bloody Mary mix, pickle, olives, garlic, garlic salt, celerity salt, chili lime salt. Salty-savory, but still yummy!

The second friend arrived. Although she just wanted to sip the vodka, she complied and made her Bloody Mary: Tito’s vodka, no salt, Freddie’s Bloody Mary mix, celery salt, tabasco, lime, olives, celery.  It had a strong celery taste. Nonetheless, I still thought it was yummy.

By the time the third friend showed up, Freddie’s Bloody Mary mix was temporarily out.

Nonetheless, he made a very tasty Bloody Mary: Tito’s vodka, clamato, olives, cherry peppers, celery salt, pickled okra (which, in my haste, I didn’t even know was up there!), horseradish, lots of celery salt (since he didn’t realize it was a flip top).  

No surprise that it had a pronounced celery taste, but no spicy kick. For his second one, he used Freddie’s Bloody Mary mix and the same ingredients as the first one. I think the second one tasted better and definitely looked prettier, which goes to show that practice does make perfect!

The fourth friend who showed up ordered a paloma (tequila, grapefruit soda, lime juice and salt rim)! When questioned about showing up for a Bloody Mary research and NOT ordering the featured drink, she just shrugged her shoulders and said that palomas were good. Of course, I still sampled it and found it as delicious as ever.

As a child, whenever I became sick, Dr. Velma, as Mom referred to herself, came to the rescue. She’d never attended any recognized medical school. She’d just survived growing up with my grandmother, who we grandchildren affectionately called “Mama Bea.”

Under Mama Bea’s care, Little Velma, the youngest child, drank sugary beer slushies so she’d have an appetite to gain weight. The sugar was added because Little Velma didn’t like the taste of beer. When Dr. Velma told me about this childhood weight-gain home remedy, I pointed out that’s why she’d been addicted to those sugary slushies sold at gas stations. Weird thing was the only time Dr. Velma craved those slushies was when she was traveling on long-distance trips. Just as abruptly as her addiction arose in her 40s, it ended for some reason in her 60s.

I was also underweight as a child, but Dr. Velma didn’t make me any sugary beer slushies. She’d secretly mix a raw egg in my hot chocolate since I wouldn’t eat much breakfast, but I had a sweet tooth just like her. A few years later, she gave me Flintstone vitamins.

When Little Velma had a cold, Mama Bea gave her moonshine. Mama Bea boiled the moonshine, added a little sugar, then when the sugar had just about dissolved, lit it on fire and had Little Velma drink it hot like a cup of coffee. Little Velma would drink this just before going to bed and sweat out the cold as she slept. She’d wake up the next morning and no longer have a cold.

For a mere itchy throat Mama Bea gave Little Velma a small dollop of Vicks vapor rub to swallow. Dr. Velma still does this right before going to bed, especially after she’s been around someone who was coughing and sneezing. Or “snottin’ and snarlin’,” as she calls it!

Dr. Velma also recommends using garlic shots for a cold. One of my sisters peels and crushes a clove of garlic in a tablespoon and adds a little orange juice for her three kids and anyone else who feels as if a cold coming on. I personally don’t need such fancy adornments my garlic shots. I just peel and cut up a clove of garlic and swallow the pieces just like pills.

One time Little Velma cut her ankle on broken glass. Her grandfather put soot from the chimney on it to stop the bleeding. To this day, Dr. Velma can show you where that soot is still on her ankle. Although Dr. Velma says you can use cobwebs to stop a bleeding wound, she’s never tried it herself. Of course, I just stick to Band-Aids!

My earliest recollection of Dr. Velma’s treatments was for a stomachache. I suffered from digestive problems as a child. So, Dr. Velma would mix liniment with milk and sugar. I’d drink that like a good little patient until I read the small, red bold print on the bottle, which stated that liniment was for external use only. Oh, you should’ve heard me roar about how she was trying to kill me, disregarding the fact that I’d survived the liniment treatment several times prior.

Lucky for my older sisters and me, Dr. Velma drank ginger ale for an upset stomach while she was pregnant with each of us.

While working as a bank teller in the basement of a hospital, Dr. Velma had a case of the hiccups. A customer told her to put a little sugar under her tongue. She claims that’s worked for her hiccups ever since.

In the 80s, Dr. Velma took pain medications that caused constipation. She recalled years earlier when Mama Bea told her this home remedy: dissolve a teaspoon of baking soda in water followed by a vinegar chaser. Remember all those elementary school volcano simulations? Well, it also moves bowels!

Dr. Velma has been married to Dad for over 50 years. Once, she tried his home remedy for constipation. Dad drinks a mixture of prune juice and orange juice just before bed and has a bowel movement early the next morning. When Dr. Velma tried it, she became so gassy, she couldn’t sleep for fear of having an accident. Now, she only uses Dad’s constipation treatment in the morning.

My two older sisters and I inherited our oily skin from our mother. The first of Dr. Velma’s two favorite oily skin and acne treatments is swabbing original Listerine on her face with a cotton pad, followed by facial lotion. The second remedy is using milk of magnesia as a facial mask, which she washes off after about 30 minutes, unless it’s an overnight treatment. One of Dr. Velma’s nieces suggested using first morning pee as acne treatment. As far as Dr. Velma’s concerned, there’s only one place pee goes and that’s not on her face.

As a younger woman, Dr. Velma had heard about boiling a pinecone and drinking the tea from it to relieve arthritis. By the time Dr. Velma was old enough to suffer from arthritis, she didn’t bother with pinecone tea. She just sprayed WD40 on her joints. Now in her seventies, Dr. Velma eats nine gin-soaked golden raisins to treat the arthritis in her knee. I’ve often teased her that that home remedy only works because she keeps her knee drunk.

To treat the arthritis in her hip, Dr. Velma places a banana peel in a jar of red sports rubbing alcohol. She takes a cotton pad and rubs that alcohol on her hip. Even when the banana peel turns black, Dr. Velma doesn’t worry because the treatment still works! She only uses it at night because of the smell, plus her hip doesn’t hurt during the day.

Lastly every morning, Dr. Velma cuts up fresh ginger, boils it and mixes in a little orange juice and drinks it for general good health. This comes after her daily breakfast smoothie, which usually contains an apple, an orange, spinach or kale, a banana, a celery stalk, a carrot, pineapple or strawberries, a nice squirt of agava to sweeten it, four tablespoons of oatmeal, a wee bit of orange juice and a tray of ice cubes.

Given the rising costs of just stepping into a clinic or hospital and the fact that I’m middle-aged, I’ve stopped laughing at Dr. Velma’s old-timey, inexpensive solutions to medical inconveniences. I may not have access to moonshine and don’t buy liniment, but I’ve found tequila works just as well in a hot toddy or for digestive problems. I love eating fresh food, seasoned with garlic and red peppers and/or red hot sauce and occasionally fresh ginger—all of which heat up the body and make it more challenging for germs. I may never reach unofficial doctor status for my home remedies, but I can at least be the family historian.

Prologue

A few years ago, I surveyed a group of my female friends who train capoeira, a Brazilian martial arts. At that time, my mission was to discover their fellatio turnoffs. Collectively, they came up with twenty-eight objections. I compiled the data into a charming little essay called “How Men Blow Fellatio.” I’ve read it at several venues, including the Austin Feminist Poetry Festival, where a lesbian couple laughed the most. At the end of the festival, a male poet challenged me to write a companion essay, after surveying guys about their cunnilingus turn offs. I assured the male poet that I probably couldn’t do that since I’m not one of the guys. I invited him to host such an evening himself, write an essay and then we could each read our findings at an upcoming Austin Writers Roulette.

            A week later, I ended up at a house party and conducted the research over drinks around midnight. Since there were fewer participants than in the fellatio research, this essay is even less scientific. Plus, there were other women present while the guys responded, which added to the challenge.

Lastly, the whole experience proves that the universe conspires with me to write about things that need to be written!

The Findings

            Unlike their female counterparts, the men I surveyed about their oral sex turnoffs only came up with six objections versus twenty-eight from the women. Yet I had to tease the relevant data out of the conversation flow. Looking back, I should have recorded the conversation on my phone and typed up the transcript afterwards. Instead, I used my sparse notes and fiction writer’s talent to recapture the gist of discussion.

The first turnoff was not being warned that a woman was on her period. A woman who was present during this conversation defended the women’s side. “Sometimes, a woman starts her period during the act of having sex.” Another woman objected. “You can feel that coming on.” The debate among the women concluded with not all women experienced menstruation the same.

Then one guy mentioned how a woman once said to him, “I’m on my period; so we’ll have to have anal sex.” From there, the conversation digressed to how, among very religious women, anal sex was popular since their hymen remained intact for marriage and they still considered themselves virgins.

I got the conversation back on track by asking the guys if there was anything else that turned them off from cunnilingus. “No stink puss,” one guy answered. They also preferred for a woman to have groomed pubic hair.

One guy confessed to using a depilatory once around his genital area. All the women shouted, “It says right on the bottle you’re not supposed to do that!” One woman advised him to get laser hair removal since a few sessions provided a permanent solution.

Considering we were already talking indirectly about testicles, another guy shared how he gently tugged on his during sex to delay ejaculation. Although this was off topic, I had to ask a follow up question, “Just how much pulling tension should one use?” He told me that men had to decide that for themselves and women can’t do it for them.

Around this time, another guy asked if they could talk about the other side, the worst things about getting a blowjob. One guy screamed out, “No cheese grating!” All the women laughed. Even though the women agreed that teeth shouldn’t mostly be involved, one woman questioned if guys didn’t like some teeth thrown in. The guys winced and reported that only about 30% of the blowjobs they’ve received had been pleasurable.

At this point, I reread the cunnilingus turnoff list: not when a woman’s on her period, no stink puss, no excessive pubic hair. One guy added women shouldn’t choke a man with her thighs or kick him in the back. The conversation shifted into cunnilingus techniques such as massaging a woman’s feet, caressing her nipples and even reaching up to gently tug on her earlobes all while orally satisfying her.

One woman questioned the need to fondle earlobes and confessed that she didn’t like a guy going down on her since it just took time away from “the real act.” The other women said that they had no problems with a man making an effort to satisfy them.

At this point, one of the guys took his own survey when he asked the women, what was more important, length or girth. Unanimously, the women answered girth. The conversation splintered into penises that could be too big or small and the tallest, most massive man could have the tiniest penis. One woman pointed out that her best lover was smaller than average, but he made up for it with his creativity in bed.

I reread the list: not when a woman’s on her period, no stink puss, no excessive pubic hair, no thigh choking, no kicking in the back. One guy added women shouldn’t fart during the act although queefing is OK since that doesn’t smell bad. As a matter of fact, the only drawback to queefing, according to these guys, is when a woman overreacts to it.

The conversation returned to bad blowjobs. The guys expressed annoyance when a woman’s performing fellatio and just starts toying with their penis as if she’s more fascinated by examining it rather than pleasuring it.

For a final time, I reread the list: not when a woman’s on her period, no stink puss, no excessive pubic hair, no thigh choking, no kicking in the back, no farting. The guys looked at one another and agreed that the list was complete. At that point, around half past one in the morning, I said my good byes.