Engineered Masks

One of my roommate’s engineering friends designed some masks, which his mother sewed.

With a copper wire at the top to pinch in place across the bridge of my nose, the mask fit snugly. An inner pocket held a replaceable filter in the form of a folded half piece of a mechanic’s paper towel.

Once in place, I didn’t feel smothered by the mask at all. Plus the first time I tried it out, the weather was cooler. We picked up the masks prior to shopping for groceries. Rumor had it that grocery stores would start requiring us to wear masks and adhere to one-way aisles. There weren’t any one-way aisles when we later went shopping, but we could only enter through one door and exit through another. Every basket had their handle cleaned by an employee and hand sanitizer was readily available once we entered with our basket.

One thing we didn’t have to worry about going to this particular location was “Wearing a Mask While Black.” Even during a pandemic, racism still existed. Despite wearing a mask as a safety strategy during this pandemic, black people had been harassed for covering up their face. My roommate was more concerned than I was since she was unambiguously black whereas I was an incog-negro. Nonetheless, we were fine since the vast majority of the grocery employees were also people of color.

For two weeks in a row, I’d optimistically visited the TP aisle.

The week before, I’d bought a 4-pack of Kleenex. Not just as a substitute for TP. I also have allergies, which is why I’m never out of Kleenex. Down to my last roll of TP, I’d used it only for long calls and Kleenex for short calls.

As soon as I wheeled past the first set of doors with my freshly sanitized basket, I saw a postmodern, contemporary coronavirus art display: a tower of toilet paper. It startled me. I asked one of the two employees who were guarding it for one of the 4-roll packs–not that there was a choice of size. I didn’t care which brand it was. When I use it, I will think of Charmin UltraStrong. (By the following week, there was actually Charmin UltraStrong–no more using the TP substitute teacher. Who am I kidding? I’m going to use whatever’s available.)

On a stroll around the neighborhood, now sporting my new mask,

I noticed that the price of unleaded was 20 cents cheaper than the last time I’d filled up the tank weeks ago. Since I only drive about twice a week during the quarantine, I don’t yet need to take advantage of the discounted gas.

At my nearest convenience store, there were additional precautions in place.

At first the employees wore masks and a plexiglass shield was installed to separate them from the general public. Now these signs appeared, especially since the rethinking about who needed to wear a mask had changed. I’d been gifted a mask right on time.

Another one of my roommate’s friends gifted us two masks apiece.

It was a different design. On my first through third attempts, I still hadn’t adjusted it to my face correctly. Unlike the first mask, I had to drape its strap over my head as if it were a facial apron, shape the copper wire across the bridge of my nose, and then adjust the drawstrings at the bottom to tie them behind my head. I fought between having the mask so snug that it crushed my nose and making it so loose that it slipped down my nose. What I eventually figured out was that I needed to first gather my dreads into a ponytail, higher than I normally place it, in order to rest the strap on the ponytail. Then pull the drawstrings to adjust it snugly.

Then I trekked a mile and a half to Drive-Thru Postal in order to fax some paperwork.

(Ha, a fax!) As I walked up to the window, I noticed that their reduced hours stated that they would close at 4 PM. I hadn’t even left my apartment until around 4:30, but I got lucky since the mail carrier hadn’t arrived yet, so they couldn’t close until he/she did.

But what concerned me even more was the threat of this wonderful mom and pop postal service closing permanently. This wasn’t due to the pandemic nor the lack of business, but rather their lease being under threat of termination.

A few days later, the price of unleaded had dropped again.

This was after the revelation that the cost of a barrel of oil had hit -$37. I didn’t understand how gas prices remained above a dollar. After all, gas station owners could still make money through things that were sold inside the store. Nonetheless, I still had no reason to gas up my car. So far, I’d gassed up my car only once during this shelter-in-place. One of the upsides to being sequestered for six weeks.

Before being sequestered, I wouldn’t have dreamed of audio editing while working a customer service job.

After all, that requires wearing two headsets since my work laptop has limited functionality. Over the weeks, new habits have formed and for some inexplicable reason, I want to multitask more than ever. The challenge is that I have a daily goal at work. During the slow times, I tend to lose patience and become tempted to log off. While doing something meaningful in between calls, I’m able to weather through the slow times and get things done. Usually it’s watching educational videos and reading, but on this particular slow day, I’d done all that and STILL hadn’t hit my goal. So, I draped another headset on to edit, using one ear and work using the other.

To ward off cabin fever and perhaps clear the mind jumble of multitasking, I took another walk.

Besides saving gas and perserving my sanity, walking to perform light errands allows me to document the revolution as told by fliers on the neighborhood utility poles.

The latest walk scored another in-demand item:

disinfectant spray. For several weeks, I’ve searched high and low on the shelves for these gems. Usually, I just made beeline for the gaping hole in the cleaning product aisle, hoping that at least one or two bottles remained. What I’d find instead were the ugly stepsisters: glass cleaner and air freshener.

As Texas slowly reopens, I’ll see if supplies will be replenished in a more timely fashion or if a surge of new COVID-19 infections will put us back in the hole.

Assume the Position

I know what you’re thinking, but no, it’s not that. What I’m talking about is putting oneself in the financial position to make money. Not something that I’ve thought about until the last couple of years in my professional life. Everything I’ve learned about being an entrepreneur came from reading books, attending a one-off workshop, watching videos and doing a lot of trial and error. Result: spending $3 to make $2.

On occasion, I’d take stock of my life and analyze what wasn’t working since I’m a Virgo and analyzing is one of the things we do best. Then, I’d strategize about how I could tweak, pivot, or out-right change to improve my situation.

This philosophy stood out to me because for all of my forays into entrepreneurship, I’ve thought that as long as I’ve tried to put out the best product as possible, regardless of what that product was, then the money would flow in. Ha! Quality control and cash flow are two different things.

The challenge with a simple truth is its deception. As much as I wholeheartedly agree with getting out of my own way to allow financial stability to flow, I still pine for my financial path to be lined with things that motivate me to leap out of bed, stir my creative juices, and make me lose all sense of time. What position must I assume in that case?

Narc, Narc…Who’s There: In the Beginning

I couldn’t believe that more than two months had passed since I’d interviewed my sister. Although I didn’t have to start at the very beginning of my learning curve when it came to setting up the USB mics, recording, transcribing the audio file, editing the file and exporting it to be embedded into this blog post, I almost forgot the details of how to do it. Almost.

This time around the whole process went much smoother than the first time. I spent far less time beating my head against the wall, which meant I didn’t dwell in trial and error land. I actually fine tuned my editing skills. I still have room for improvement, but this clip is much cleaner than the one I edited when I interviewed my sister.

The best part: since my roommate, Stephanie, always talks about narcissists, AKA “narcs,” I’ve got plenty of opportunity to interview her for a multi-part series.

As an added bonus, here’s the edited transcript:

Teresa Roberson  0:00  
Hello, Stephanie.
 
Stephanie  0:02  
Hello, Teresa.
 
Teresa Roberson  0:04  
How you doing today?
 
Stephanie  0:06  
Well, you know, I do narc research and race research. So, as well as can be expected.
 
Teresa Roberson  0:14  
You know, you say "as well as to be expected," but I'm thinking "Oh, is that why you're mad? Is that why you're mad every day?"
 
Stephanie  0:22  
No, dude. And being able to see so much the connectivity between racism and narcissism. What I'm learning through my research is that a lot of people's trauma behavior, make sense. Like a lot of people who do things that that might irritate a lot of people. There is usually a very simple reason why they're doing it. Well, I say "simple," but basically, there is a reason why they do it. And you can actually try sift through their behavior. 
 
Teresa Roberson  1:02  
When did you start doing your research on narcissism?
 
Stephanie  1:06  
A friend of mine sent me a video with Dr. Ramani Durvasula last year and said, "Hey, you should watch this video." And it was about narcissism and Dr. Ramani Durvasula is the most well-known scholar on narcissism and I watched it and I was like, "Oh, dear goodness." And I listened to that video, while simultaneously reading How to Hide an Empire by Daniel Immerwahr. And I noticed the patterns, the ups and downs, the boredom, the thrill seeking. Everything about this is almost every single page I've been reading from this American history book and the more I read about history, and the more I see what the plans for the future are, the more I see the patterns, especially in our current paradigm in the United States.
 
Teresa Roberson  2:14  
So, what are the narcissistic patterns that you've noticed?
 
Stephanie  2:19  
So, the biggest ones that I've seen are control without responsibility because narcissism at its core is an impulse problem. And so, what was the originating impulse problem? Some European sailors came to the continents, saw something they liked, and wanted it. Well, indigenous people were like, yeah, we live here. Yet have some food, get rested and peace out. And the European sailor was like, “You know what? No, I don't feel like doing that.” And so, the different indigenous groups were like “Yeah, ya know, but we didn't, no this is, this is where we live, and it's fine that you want to come visit, but you don't understand how this works. And there's even research that's just been shown that says because of the quote unquote exploration that occurred, that's actually what set off climate change, ie you basically had a whole bunch of people come and take over an area, not knowing how it works, not knowing the ecosystem patterns and how to sustain them and broke it. Basically, the indigenous people kept trying to say “no.” And the European settlers just said, "No, you don't get to say ‘no.’" They changed laws. They change circumstances. The most obvious permutation is ironically, our neighborhood with Domain Riverside, ie, people live here. People have lives here. And because somebody sent a nice PDF to the city council and the planning commission, well, that's the end of our neighborhood. We're just gonna go ahead and add Domain Riverside. So, control without responsibility is the biggest element of narcissism that I've seen throughout my research.
 
Teresa Roberson  4:47  
So how is it that some foreigner can come to an indigenous land and say, "This is the law."
 
Stephanie  4:56  
And that is what people have basically failed to see. For example, we are having a pipeline struggle both with Canada and in South Dakota. And the reservations are, of course, the last vestiges of these “foreign countries,” for lack of a better definition. And they've basically said, “No, you actually don't get to run this pipeline through here. We live here. This will destroy our water when we're done here.” Yes. And the way you do it is by force. And so, one of the reasons why the reservations got so much, why "reservation" is even a term that we're familiar with, is because a foreigner refused to hear a "no," knew that they were not entitled to it, but decided that because they wanted it, it was theirs. They used force and basically decimated hundreds of thousands of people in favor of their perception of reality because another part of narcissism is a false reality. It's you have one vision of how the world should be, whether or not the world is actually that, is not necessary and it's not relevant. But because of your vision, you're entitled to, to fulfill your vision, even if it comes at the expense of someone else.
 
Teresa Roberson  6:33  
All right, so you talked about force. Is it just weapons?
 
Stephanie  6:37  
It is not just weapons. And it's interesting that you said the law because what happened during the quote unquote, American Revolution. Well, basically, some foreigners came over, decided I see it, I want it, it's mine. And then they crafted this Constitution, which included eminent domain, which says that the government can seize land if it's for the good of the country. Well, that's basically saying, "I know you said 'no,' but my 'yes' is more powerful. And I just changed the law. And because I changed the paradigm, and refused to acknowledge your 'no,' it's actually 'yes' now." And if you're like, "Look, but Stephanie, that makes no sense." You're right, it does make no sense. And that is what is happening right now. We're kind of in an era of disillusionment, where everything about the propaganda about the founding fathers and fighting for freedom that had nothing to do with the creation of this nation. This was all about, I see it, I want it, it's mine. And they put all of the elements they created a heck of a marketing campaign that basically said, "Oh, yes, and because we created these laws, your laws are irrelevant. I'm sorry, we have guns and that backs up our laws. It's kind of like the College Board was created so that black people couldn't go to college. And people will often say, "Oh, but we need the SATs and the GREs because how would we know that everybody's worthy to go to college? And it's like, you realize that college was not mainstream. And that was not that was something that everybody could or could not choose to do. And when black people finally realized, "Hey, you know, we like to nerd out. Let's all go to school too. They then said, "Well, we don't want you here. So, we're going to create this barrier that basically says, "Oh, you can't get prep, you can't learn how to do this, then you won't be here." So, when the dominant narrative basically adds a barrier, or shifts the paradigm, that's basically telling people that, you know, with enough propaganda, people get used to the idea that that's the way it always was. And that just makes sense. And what is so frustrating to so many people actually in the dominant narrative now is everybody's like, but we literally had no right to do all of those things. People just did them. They just did them and then they created a fake piece of paper and created a fake system that said, "No, the answer is ‘yes’ now." That was backed by force. So that is the narcissus’s greatest tool, their reality and their demand that everybody adhere to it.
 
Teresa Roberson  10:00  
Thank you so much, Stephanie, for at least explaining the beginnings of your narcissism research.
 
Stephanie  10:06  
Oh yeah. Don't worry, there'll be more.
 
Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Poetry Submissions Via Fillable Forms

Here’s another piece of my upcoming podcast puzzle: an expiring link that limits a response to 1000 characters for future listeners to submit an episode-inspired poem. Although I figured out the mechanics of providing such a link, five other challenges arose.

First, I didn’t know who submitted what unless the writer included his/her name. Some people naturally did that, whereas others didn’t. I warned a few before they submitted their piece and they identified their work.

Second, the link allowed writers to copy and paste their submission, but it didn’t preserve the poem’s format, so I had to “fix” them manually. I used my best guess. Yet, even among friendly poets, I may have unintentionally offended them with my guesswork formatting.

Third, once my podcast becomes popular, fixing poetry formats manually would not be scalable. I could hire a part-time person to handle poetry submissions, but would that be the best use of their time? After all, that particular aspect of the podcast is free, so the position itself isn’t directly sustainable.

Fourth, one friend submitted a delightful short poem, written by a famous poet, so I can’t put that one on the blog. That submission reminded me that I should have included another response area where poets could type their name in response to a disclaimer that what they’re submitting is their original work, which would actually solve the first challenge as well.

Finally, I came up with the brilliant idea that I’d run my podcast like a seasonal TV show. Meaning, I’d have all episodes in the can before launching the first one. After eight years of having a monthly deadline, there’s no way in hell I want to jump through those temporal hoops again. So, how to handle an “expiring” link when subscribers will have the chance to download all the episodes if they wanted to binge-listen to them all at once rather than listen once a week? Oh, I know, I’m not going to do this bit until the podcast has been around a few seasons and then I can revisit it.

Tenderness  

2019 was a terrible year
In my personal world
And the world at large.
Tenderness is missing.
Something we search for in the midst of harshness, indifference, even cruelty.
How many times have I cried for tenderness.
As a child I cried for it. As a young woman.
And now As I’ve arrived at the door to old age, I find tenderness has been crying for me.
~ Grace Lightfoot Chairez
Cowgirl 

She is a whirlwind cowgirl in the wild, Wild West.
She rides fast and unaltered towards her battle, her quest.
She keeps truth in her holster, and knocks dignity from her boot. She is shielding a treasure (Her mind is the loot.)
Destined for a lofty, pensive plateau,
She leaves a trail of inspiration wherever she goes.
The deserts are wide, and the journey is long,
But the hills on the horizon Prod the cowgirl on.
The white hat and the black hat, they fit her best
As she rides hard towards the sun In the wild, Wild West.
~Becky Rebecca
A Poem For You  

Shall I be witty
Shall I be cute
Show you my heart
Or deny I’m a fluke
Shall I show you my humor
In meter and prose
Or make funny faces
And tickle your toes
Shall I sing you a love song
Seduce you with rhyme
Or show you my treasures
And remind you of time
Shall I brag of adventures
And the battles I’ve won
Or talk of my dreams
And the birth of my sons
Shall I show you my feelings
Reveal deepest thoughts
Or spin a web of deceit
And hide all my faults
Shall I tell you of visions
When I look in your eyes
Of a mother’s last breath
And a baby’s first cries
Shall I whisper of passion
And desires new flame
Or hold you beside me
Softly calling your name
Shall I tell you I want you
To have and to hold
Or pretend I’m indifferent
Stubborn and cold
Shall I ask the question
Down on one knee
Or let time roll by
And just let it be
Shall I tell you
I love you
I’m here till the end
What else can I do
You’re my best friend
~Jim Tenny

Renee’s Visit

Last December, my sister invited herself to the grand finale of The Austin Writers Roulette.

Closing a show that I’d produced and hosted for eight years was stressful enough without entertaining a surprise out-of-town guest. She’d never watched any of the video clips of the show nor looked at any of the mostly pictorial summaries, but she didn’t want to miss the last show.

Around this time, I’d just bought two professional USB microphones and had figured out how to use them after more trial and error than I’d anticipated. Since my sister had invited herself, I figured she’d make an excellent guinea pig to interview, so I could go through the process of recording, running the audio clip through a transcription service and editing it.

Rendering the clip to this point was a tremendous labor of love, but I still have a ways to go.

Spoken Word Audio Clips

Confessions of a Hat: Bamboo and Bones. A member of my writing group brought some of her hat collection. She thought it would be fun for us to wear them during the meeting. At the time, we were seated at a restaurant patio. In 105-degree weather. In the shade. With at least two fans blowing on us. No one wore any hats during that meeting. Instead, we chose to write a hat-inspired poem. I knew just the hat.

It inspired me to write my most haunting poem to date.

Ebullient Frog. Occasionally, I attend a monthly writers’ event, which features a theme word. Throughout the course of a word’s existence, not only may its connotation change, but thanks to the changing times, its definition may take on a slightly different meaning, while at the same time retain the original meaning. Here’s my take on the meaning of the word “ebullient.”

Black Hair Products. Ten years ago, I joined a hot yoga studio. Although my main objective then, as is now, was to strengthen both physical and mental health, I’ve had the most wonderful opportunities to exchange a wealth of information and ideas with other women yogis in the locker room. This PSA-styled poem sprang to life after a yoga class when I struck up a conversation with a woman who identified as being white who was using a “mixed hair” product.

Where to Begin

Unlike other children, I never actually had an imaginary friend. I had an imaginary talk show! Conveniently enough, showtime coincided with bath time, which, like every other enthralling prime time show, lasted at least an hour. Mind you, this live show took place when my family of five lived on an Air Force base in Little Rock, AR in a house with one bathroom. 

So, my two older sisters and parents worked around my bath time. The only documentation of my childhood live show occurred when one of my sisters snuck in a tape recorder on the pretense of having to use the bathroom. Once I finished, I joined my family in the TV room. That same sister retrieved the tape recorder and pushed play. Startled, I turned around wide-eyed at the sound of my own voice.

That cassette tape had been a source of entertainment for years until it mysteriously disappeared. Mom says that I took it, which I don’t remember doing, but I’d love to have that earlier recording of my nascent producing/hosting efforts, which was also my sister’s first known instance of wiretapping. So perhaps it’s good that the evidence has disappeared. 

I’ve always credited travel and reading as necessary for good writing. Yet, creativity manifests out of the ether. As a child, I remember thinking that trees created the wind. Their rustling leaves made breezes while the force of their branches produced gusts. 

Lack of facts have never stymied creativity, so if you think about it, we’re living the most politically creative times ever. Without the anchor of truth, fiction can soar as high as the conjuror of the tale can imagine.

All science fiction is speculative—until it isn’t. Every futuristic thing of the past is now either a modern convenience or within a few years of our grasp. The only thing we need to do is not prematurely destroy the planet. What I mean by “premature” is before the sun has a chance to vaporize our planet when it transforms into a red giant. Like all living things, Earth should ideally die of natural causes. 

Before that great demise, a universe of creativity awaits within the ether.  Compelling narratives. Innovative technologies. New words. Creativity abounds to entertain the masses, even if they’re imaginary. 

Halloween 2019

The last time I took a tango lesson was during this year’s free day of dance.

Since Halloween fell on a Thursday, I revisited my old tango school for their regular tango lineup: beginners, intermediate, followed by a practice milonga.

The original plan was to do all 3, but since I’d gone to my usual 60-minute circuit training workout earlier in the day, my permanently injured ankle was not having any of that–despite massaging some CBD topical on it beforehand.

After the beginner’s class, I attempted to take a picture with the teacher,

but her son, Jokester Santa, photobombed us.

Nonetheless, we took advantage of something else distracting him to take our picture.

After the intermediate class, I saw a longtime tanguera dressed as a pirate.

Of course I couldn’t resist inviting the mermaid to pose with us.

Sequins and colored wig?! That was taking a page right out of my costuming playbook.

There was a practical use for wearing green lipstick on my part: no mistaking which plastic wine glass was mine. I meant to exploit that aspect of my costume for the entire night, but after attending both tango classes, I hobbled out while I still could.

Watercoloring Breakthrough

May not look like much to others, but with this painting, I stumbled onto subtle blending–except for his hands. There’s usually an area or two where I just concede that the effort has defeated me. For this painting, it’s definitely the hands. The hands are so bad, one may not even notice the lips aren’t that great either.

But I love the blending everywhere else. Up until this point, I thought that I had to first color the shading and contouring, then merely paint to blend those colors with water. What I realized through trial and a lot of error, was, unlike painting with oils, watercolors must be layered to produce the desired effect. The blending technique I use with oils just muddy watercolors.

I’m sure I could have watched even more YouTube videos about painting with watercolor crayons, but it’s been a wonderful journey to put all this together. I even recently bought a refurbished monitor that didn’t come with a stand, so I could lay it flat in my lap while it’s hooked up to the laptop, projecting the image that I’m tracing onto tracing paper. Genius!

I finally found a workaround to my lack of drawing skill. Now, I’m practicing to become more respectful of the medium. I’m not looking for mastery, which means with every improvement, I’m going to be ever so happy. No matter how small the gain.

I have 16 pages of drawing paper before I switch to actual watercolor paper. From there, the remaining rough drafts will be completed on watercolor paper. By then, I expect to up my game even more since a better quality of paper will look better.

Feminist Photos

This was one of the best interactive exhibits at EAST (East Austin Studio Tour). Since I produce a show that highlights personal narratives, I felt I’d entered a kindred space. 

We had the option of taking a picture while holding one of their prepared signs that resonated with us, or making one of our own.  I knew exactly which statement I wanted to get off my chest–or rather my back.  Unlike all the other participants, I didn’t hold my sign in front of my chest. Most assholes who copped a feel of my locks did it from behind.

I taped my picture on the cleavage of a pair of pendulous breasts. If indeed the future is female, then we have to promote stories that aren’t covered by the dominant narrative.