Once again, I subjected my body to a painful examination all in the name of observing proper healthcare in the form of a gynecological exam. Although the appointment takes less time than the other painful exam, the mammogram, I experience far more pain intensity with a PAP smear.
Not only am I in a more vulnerable position, with my ass hanging off the edge of the table, feet in stirrups and, usually completely naked except the two-piece examination attire, consisting of a stiff paper towel vest that opens in the front and a large rectangle paper towel that drapes over the top of my pelvic region.
Normally, patients have to remove all clothing. I rebelled this time, wearing my polar bear knee-high socks that my sister had gifted me from her Alaskan cruise vacation.
Even with the smallest plastic speculum with lots of lube, the pain from those extended hard plastic duck lips was only marginally lowered. At the height of piercing pain, I was told to relax so she could open the speculum. I was beside myself. After all that fucking pain, that damn thing wasn’t even open yet?
I warned her that I needed to curse in order to get through it. The last time I’d had the procedure, I wasn’t in menopause; so, this time around, even with the extra lube, the procedure was worse than I remembered.
She brightly informed me that she could see my cervix.
“Is it giving you the finger?”
“No, but it doesn’t want to look me in the eye,” she responded without hesitation. Apparently, my uterus was slightly tilted to the side.
A few deep breaths and a lot of cursing later, the exam was over. As I dressed, I ruminated, once again, why no woman engineer had designed something better.
At this point, I’m convinced that only the lack of priority has prevented the invention of something less painful to perform a PAP smear. I have neither the money nor the engineering background, but I’m not going to wait until I obtain either to educate myself on the feasibility of developing something better.
Hell, I don’t even care if someone steals the idea as long as in five years, I can have a far less painful PAP. Why five years? Well, I’m happy to report that as miserable of a time that last appointment was, the results were normal. I now have five years to come up with something better.
In order to fast track the implementation of new gynecological tools, I need the advocacy of powerful politicians and influential people like AOC, Oprah and Michelle Obama. After all, they’re women too and subject themselves to that painful procedure as well.
Proving once again that the universe conspires with me, a mere three days later, I attended the 84th Strange Family Reunion where one of my cousins informed me that her daughter was studying biomedical engineering. I immediately shared my vision with my cousin about what I needed to happen.
The only difference, unlike most people with an idea, I’m not satisfied with demanding my younger cousin to do something that I want to see in the world. I’ll help her achieve that. Two of us researching and funding the idea is better than one.